Spirituality, Faith, Religion, and Judgement

I am not Christian enough.

While those exact words were not specifically said, the meaning was there, and clarification was not supplied in following conversations.

I would be lying if I told you that I did not get triggered, and all twisted in my axle about this. In fact, I still am a bit.

Like what in the actual fuck?

Disclaimer… we are going balls deep in rant, reflection, perspective, processing, and profanity.

Broad stroke of my beliefs, I believe in God and more. I consider myself spiritual, not religious, and humorously say that I am a Christian witch. Witch, as in someone that is spiritual, embracing energy, nature, the elements, season, and ritual. That we are all connected to source, God, universe. That we are all connected. Yes, I have deities like Shiva, Kali, and Lakshmi, sacred geometry, the moon phases, the hamsa hand plus more in my home. Not because I am exalting one over another, but because I feel that they are all connected. They are all representations of intention, qualities, growth, and integration of oneness. I believe that through all the labels and how much man tries to divide us through doctrine, we all have similar values. Live a life of service, gratitude, kindness, community, healing, and love. It is the human influence that forces distinction and judgment of what the “right” practice is.

I grew up going to private Christian school, attended multiple churches associated with an array of structured religions. Yes, plural. Through my own journey, I have reached a place where I do not follow the Bible or subscribe to doctrine. In doing my own research, I see how the Bible has been written, translated, and rewritten throughout the centuries. It has been manipulated for man’s personal gain, influence, and leverage to use over others. Many Christian holidays were adopted from pagan and other beliefs to make Christianity more “accessible.” Various studies have indicated that there is far more to the Christian teachings and Jesus than what the Bible depicts. I respect how the Bible, going to church nurtures the spirit for some… I encourage people to have that connection if it serves them without judgment… I, however, don’t share that alignment.

Have others pushed you away for showing up as your authentic self?

Do you have multiple beliefs that don't fit into a single category?

Have you felt judged for believing in other philosophies?

Have you been rejected or questioned for your beliefs?

In the account of my experience, we are going to refer to this character as S. I have known S casually for a few months now, we are both combat veterans, and these interactions were enjoyable. S is exceptionally religious and very confident in his faith. A trait I respect highly. There was also an attraction with great chemistry that I was on the fence about pursuing because 1. I am still healing from my ex. 2. He is not a permanent resident on the island.

Welp, I threw that hesitation in the fuck-it bucket.

Y’all. This is where shit gets sideways fast.

We chatted. We are on each other's social media, where I openly share my woo side. We spent more time together one on one. I opened up, got a little vulnerable… shared some things. I welcomed him into my home to spend the night. While this was not our first intimate night together, it was the first time he has been in my home.

I grew up in fear of losing my home, plus I can get overstimulated easily. For me, my home is my sanctuary, it is a sacred space that I have worked hard for and built from nothing. I rarely have people over; hell, most friends have no clue where I live. It is decorated with love and intention. It reflects me, my beliefs, practices, and embodiment of divine self in all of its incredible facets.

This mother fucker walks in my home, I watch him closely as he assesses and I can feel the judgement, the questions. In a matter of moments, S says to me, “You know, your kind didn’t like my kind.” My kind meaning not structured Christian, nature based “witch,” person with deities of any form.

I chose not to say anything an the moment.

The next morning, oh there comes the circus.

We are in bed, the same bed that we did colorful adult things in, when he shares with me a message he received from a holy man that basically told him not be Samson and be detoured by Delilah. He was then kind enough to say that he is concerned that I might be his Delilah, a seductress, prostitute, manipulator, and betrayer that had to act according to the patriarch out of fear for her life. He then went on to on to express that my Christianity is lacking because of my extended beliefs, and I don’t subscribe to the biblical doctrine.

I got so fucking triggered but surprisingly did not lose my temper. I explained many different perspectives, I shared that though the structure of our religious alignment differs, at the core, our beliefs are similar. No dice. He felt that I should use doctrine to justify my beliefs to him because that is the true Christian doctrine. Nothing else.

As the day passed, I continued to stew and fester over this. I reached out to a friend of mine that is active in her church who held space as I processed. My mind was racing.

Only God can judge and determine if I am Christian “enough.” Like who was this motherfucker to tell me I was lacking?!?

I thought of all the arguments to explain. To try and get him to understand. To be a little more open minded.

It was like pushing on a door that said pull.

And I know better.

I was willing to continue the dynamic with S after this because I could accept him as he is without judgment and I knew it was an opportunity for me to grow. However, within a couple weeks it became apparent how misaligned things were.

I was teased and heckled. I started to feel like I was always on guard. I was told I am sensitive (fucking proud of that sensitivity btw). I was disrespected and given mixed signals. Instead of reverting into old habits of people pleasing or lashing out, I held a boundary.

He said that he spoke highly of me to others but didn’t acknowledge my concerns on his actions towards me, how I felt disrespected. He spiritually bypassed, avoided, and blamed rather than self-reflection. Instead of taking ownership, S deflected and bypassed stating differences in our beliefs lead to those mixed signals. He bypassed by telling me he thinks spirits are lying to me and preying on my insecurities instead of looking at his own actions and how they have impacted me. He deferred to what others have said, their advice, and opinions, not his own thoughts. His own unhealed wounding becoming apparent.

So here we are.

Sitting in a place of retrospection.

Finally

In all of this internal, mental gymnastics I realized a few things for myself that in one aspect I already knew but sometimes we have to learn more than once.

I had to go in circles and really sit with why does this asshole's opinion triggered me so hard. Like who is he in my life and why does his opinion matter!?!

NOBODY!

Why did I think I had to justify myself?!?

Was it bruised ego?

Not this time.

I was/am so confident in my faith, beliefs, and practices that I was not threatened for being questioned, I was hurt on a personal level.

I was hurt that I could not be accepted as I am.

I felt rejected for being authentically me.

Not my actions, not for doing anything “bad” or “wrong” but for my beliefs.

In this mental oscillation and processing I realized I did not need that external acceptance nor did I actually want it.

That in this moment, that external acceptance was abandoning myself. Abandoning my boundaries, value, and worth.

That was wounding that I have been carrying around for most of my life that I have been working to release.

A constant fear plaguing me.

Old programming from who the fuck knows where.

It was indicative of childhood trauma, continued emotional neglect, and abuse.

This desire to be chosen, to convince people to treat me better, that I was enough and worthy.

That fighting to be seen was “safer” than walking away.

Bullshit

It isn’t up to me to help others see their wounding.

It isn’t up to me to heal others.

I don’t have to pick up their ish.

I don't have to prove to them that their actions hurt.

That the contrast in life is a beautiful thing.

I realized another level of people not being capable of meeting others where they are at.

That is a reflection of them.

That is their limitations.

Not yours.

To not expect you from others.

Getting triggered and tested by things in life is a beautiful opportunity. No this is not toxic positivity.

These are highlighted moments where we get to learn more about ourselves. They are opportunities to heal and grow.

Here are some tips to navigate and shift perspective:

-Emotional Awareness: Have I identified and acknowledged my emotions regarding this situation? How might these emotions be influencing my perspective? Are these emotions based on the current situation or past experiences?

-Outcome Attachment: Am I making decisions based on my attachment to a specific outcome? If so, what can I do to detach and focus more on the process and learning?

-Bias Acknowledgment: Are there any biases or preconceived notions affecting how I view this situation? What can I do to challenge these biases? Am I acting objectively?

- Action vs. Reaction: Am I reacting impulsively to the situation, or am I taking thoughtful actions based on a balanced assessment of different perspectives

It is not up to others to decide or tell you if your practice, beliefs, actions, are enough.

Hell, you, as a whole… just as you are, is more than enough.

Are you ready to break free of external programming and the influence of external judgement?

Schedule a FREE Freedom Formula call through my calendar link below, send a message through the website, or DM me on instagram TheMelissaLeeParent.

My 1:1 program “Unbound” helps you break free of the mindset and stories you tell yourself that prevent you from living a life of joy. You will learn techniques to help you navigate life’s stressors, how to be present and intentional with both yourself and the relationships with those around you. I will guide you through deep healing and transformation with soul work to complete between our sessions to help maximize results.

We work together to help you break through the suffocating cycles and patterns that hold you back from the life you envision.

And remember friends,

You Matter!