Life Being Extra Lifey Part 2

Life continued to be extra lifey with the new year. After a point, I stopped asking myself what else could happen because holy fuckballs and applesauce. The year started with mild disappointment that I would not be able to participate in my favorite marathon, the Maui Oceanfront Marathon. I had barely returned to running and while I knew I could gut it out, it would have fucked me over for other events I was registered for in the spring. So, Melissa made the hard adult decision to not push too hard… damn growth and maturity.

Do you know what else comes with growth? Boundaries. Over the last few months, I have held a boundary with three of my closest friends. Friends that I considered family. People that I dropped everything for without questions or hesitation. What were these boundaries? How they treated me. On an abstract level, we know that as we heal and grow, what we are willing to accept changes.

Now let me give you a bit of the Readers Digest Melissa backstory. I have some pretty deep childhood trauma that developed into unhealthy patterns. Within that, there was fear of abandonment and people pleasing. I wouldn’t hold strong boundaries with people out of fear that if I rocked the boat too much, they would leave. I would people please to ensure they were happy, to make sure I was wanted, I was needed.

Holding these boundaries was scary as fuck but I was also tired of how these people made me feel. That they wanted to be around me one day and felt like an afterthought the next. I was tired of feeling like I had to constantly chase the connection. I was tired of the excuses they gave, the excuses for them I created. I was tired of accepting it because, in my wounded inner child mind, I was just happy to be included. I was willing to accept never knowing where I stood or how these people treat me.

I realized that no matter how much I loved them, I love me more. By not respecting my boundaries with these people, I was abandoning myself just like I abandoned myself in other unhealthy situations. I was not showing myself the love I deserved.

With one friend, I expressed my boundary, how I felt, and I did not hear from them again. Not even an acknowledgment. The other friend had suddenly gotten distant. This extended for several weeks to the point where I asked them If I had done something wrong. After I expressed my boundary on how it is not ok to treat people this way, they gave me the excuse of being busy and stressed. Which is understandable to an extent....However, I am now blocked for no understandable reason. Weeks later, that friend and their spouse reached out wanting to talk, stating they missed me and our friendship. Because I did not respond immediately (I had back to back clients all day) I received a manipulative and passive aggressive message 8 hours later, "no response, thats disappointing." After stating I had just gotten home from work, comments like that aren't necessary, and that I am allowed to take space and process.... They tell me that they "no longer give two shits." Yes, those were their words.

Here is where I wave the bullshit flag.

Yes, we all get busy. We are all fucking stressed. We are all dealing with shit. The distinction is how do people handle these situations? How do they treat others when they are balls deep in their fuckery? Though we live in a time of technology, the ability to consistently communicate with clarity has become a lost art. People have become so wrapped up in their own fuckery that basic consideration and courtesy are negligent.

No, I am not saying we have to be glued to our devices and constantly in contact. Fuck that shit.

What I am saying is have the emotional maturity and self-awareness to communicate with people versus leaving them flapping in the breeze. Wondering what the fuck is going on.

Holding these boundaries scared the ever-living shit out of me. I am not even going to pretend to downplay that. I don’t have many close connections, my inner wounded child was scared of the fallout, and humorously, my worst fear was realized. They left.

And as much as that hurt in the moment, I am really fucking ok with it. This told me that as much as I loved them, they weren’t my people. Their actions weren’t a reflection of me, it was a reflection of them. Previously, I would have acted out of fear, now, I am grateful for the connection we had, and standards I have to myself.

Phew, ok. Now on the the next life is extra lifey

While I was navigating holding those boundaries, I was also navigating some health stuff. For several months, I had been struggling with low energy, inability to sleep, weight fluctuations, and a few other things. After 8 different blood panels, we still could not figure out what was going on. Seemingly overnight, an EXCEPTIONALLY large lump appeared in one of my breasts. Three weeks later, I went in for a mammogram and before I had an opportunity to get dressed, the tech told me she was taking these images to the doctor immediately for evaluation and to wait. Five minutes later, I was walked down the hall for a diagnostic ultrasound. The next day, my doctor called me, telling me that based on my bloodwork and the mammogram, I have all the markers of cancer. I needed to have an immediate biopsy. Now if you are familiar with the Veterans Affairs, you know that nothing happens quickly.

I am not going to blow smoke up your ass and tell you I didn’t freak the fuck out a little. Two weeks was the next available appointment and I received the results a week later.

Thankfully, my extra lump in my lovely lady lumps is benign however it had abnormal cells with a blood supply. What does that mean? Things could be completely fine or they could go sideways fast. There is no way to predict either way so I will be having surgery in June.

In this moment, I channel my inner Billy Mays and say, “But wait, there’s more.”

On April fools, my handy coffee much that never spills did just that, drowning my computer that I had just spent dollars on the week prior to fix. I lost EVERYTHING including my backups for some unknown reason. Whomp Whomp.

Remember when I mentioned that I was registered for several running events outside of the Maui Oceanfront Marathon? Well, I started training for the rest of the events…. Hard. My training timeframe had just been cutback significantly and I was focused to maximize the time I had. The week before my 60k, I was trail running when a crotch goblin, also known as a child, ran right into me….head on. We went down hard. I heard a snap. I prayed it was just a twig. It was NOT a twig. When I went to stand up, my left leg was spicy.

Once again, I got to gimp a mile down the mountain to my car. That day I had driven the Jeep, which is a manual. Thank fuck for a high pain tolerance. I immediately made the 45 minute drive to urgent care to confirm my suspicion….My left fibula was broken above the ankle. I would not be able to run my 60k or the Maui Marathon. In hopes of a deferral, I reached out to the agency that organized the 60k, no dice. I was out the registration fees.

My spirits were fucking crushed. Was I nervous going into the 60k? Absofuckinglutely! Was I excited to see what my body could accomplish? Fuck yes.

So here we are, it is the end of May. I was unable to run the Maui Marathon which was 2 weeks after my 60K however I just finished Redwoods Trailfest, 6 weeks post fibula break. Yes, it is still broken. Yes, I ran on it.

3 days

3 trails

38ish miles

11:45 ish hrs elapsed time

10 hrs move time

7390is ft elevation gain

Has there been other lifey bullshittery going on?

YUP

However, these are the big rocks of what I have been navigating over the last few months of my Rudini Houdini.

To be blunt, I am pretty fucking grateful for the healing and growth I have had over these last few years. The tools and techniques I have learned along the way. Without them, I have no clue how I would have handled this fuckery of the last 8 months.

So what knowledge nuggets do I leave you with?

Everything is figureoutable.

Sometimes life sucks hairy monkeyballs and that is ok.

Life will knock you down, it is your choice on if you stay down or if you get up.

Learn to regulate your nervous system. Pause, breathe, cry, scream, laugh, and breathe some more.

Boundaries are a gift.

Love yourself.

If this struck a chord and you want to take a deep dive into releasing your patterns, your unseen trauma, holding boundaries... schedule a FREE Freedom Formula call through my calendar link below, send a message through the website, or DM me on instagram TheMelissaLeeParent.

My 1:1 program “Unbound” helps you break free of the mindset and stories you tell yourself that prevent you from living a life of joy. You will learn techniques to help you navigate life’s stressors, how to be present and intentional with both yourself and the relationships with those around you. I will guide you through deep healing and transformation with soul work to complete between our sessions to help maximize results.

We work together to help you break through the suffocating cycles and patterns that hold you back from the life you envision.

And remember friends,

You Matter!