Fuck forgiveness.

Fuck forgiveness.

Yes. I just said that. Fuck forgiveness.

I am not telling you that forgiveness is not important or that you should not forgive people but hear me out.

It crawls up my ass sideways when I hear people say forgiveness is for you, not for them. Forgive without the apology.

Have you been told this when your feelers are still stinging? When you still want to rage and throat punch and kick some shins?

Yeah, those are amazing sentiments but let us be realistic. Not all people, situations, transgressions deserve forgiveness.

In my voracious curiosity as to the roots of this belief, I did some shallow digging and came up with four varying origins: religion, philosophical, psychological, and self-help fodder.

Religions, such as Christianity and Buddhism, emphasize forgiveness as a means of achieving inner peace and spiritual growth. Christianity teaches that forgiving others can lead to one's own spiritual liberation, while Buddhism views forgiveness as a way to release oneself from the cycle of suffering and negative karma.

Philosophers have long discussed the benefits of forgiveness. Ancient Greek philosopher Epictetus emphasized the importance of focusing on what is within our control and letting go of what is not, which aligns with the idea that forgiveness can liberate us from the emotional burdens imposed by others' actions if one wants to force that angle. Personally, I think this aligns more with acceptance.

In modern psychology, forgiveness is often studied as a therapeutic process. Research has shown that holding onto anger and resentment can have detrimental effects on mental and physical health. Forgiveness, on the other hand, can lead to reduced stress, lower blood pressure, and improved mental well-being. Psychologists like Dr. Fred Luskin have emphasized that forgiveness is a way to reclaim personal power and find peace, rather than condoning or excusing the harmful behavior. However, modern psychology also includes ACT, acceptance and commitment therapy.

Personally, I think some asshole self-help person took this concept, popularized it, and the rest of the field ran amok with it. The idea is highlighted that forgiveness is a gift to oneself, allowing individuals to move forward and live a more fulfilling life free from the weight of past grievances. Great but now it is consumed and regurgitated without context or awareness.

Frankly, I say this is forceful, manipulative, toxic bullshittery. Is it really a gift if you don’t genuinely forgive? If you feel like this is something you HAVE to do? If you are not fully honoring your feelings and process?

Instead of telling people that they have to forgive an asshole for harming them and blowing bs up their ass that it is for them, their growth and healing, let people feel their fucking feels. Pressuring them to do something that does not feel good in their heart or body. Let us focus on accepting that some people are assholes and their fuckery has nothing to do with us.

Yes, acceptance.

Though acceptance and forgiveness are different, they are related. Acceptance is the acknowledgment and recognition of a situation, event, or person as they are without trying to change or resist them. It involves understanding and embracing reality, even if it is difficult or unpleasant. With acceptance you can still heal, find peace, release whatever negative, emotional ish that is clinging to you. It allows you to move forward without being stuck in denial or resistance.

That process looks a little bit like this:

Acknowledgment: Recognizing the truth of a situation or the behavior of a person.

Non-resistance: Letting go of the desire to change what cannot be changed.

Mindfulness: Being present with your thoughts and feelings without judgment.

Accepting, it is a letting go and not ruminating or allowing a situation to have control/impact on you.

What can you do to find acceptance?

-Take a moment to clearly identify what you are resisting. Write down the situation or feelings you are struggling to accept.

-Be kind to yourself. Understand that it’s natural to struggle with acceptance and treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a friend.

-Recognize what is within your control and what is not. How can you focus more on what you can control?

-Create a list of affirmations that reinforce acceptance. Repeat them daily to reinforce your commitment to accepting reality.

Instead of feeling like you must forgive the other party, focus on forgiving yourself.

Forgive yourself for what you perceive to be your part of that hurtful situation.

Forgive yourself for choosing not to see the red flags.

Forgive yourself for not honoring your boundaries.

Whatever it may be, fuck forcing the narrative on yourself to forgive people in order to heal. Heal through acceptance that some people are assholes and forgive yourself.

Are you struggling with acceptance past hurt?

Are you looking you looking to release patterns and mental rumination?

Schedule a FREE Freedom Formula call through my calendar link below, send a message through the website, or DM me on instagram TheMelissaLeeParent.

My 1:1 program “Unbound” helps you break free of the mindset and stories you tell yourself that prevent you from living a life of joy. You will learn techniques to help you navigate life’s stressors, how to be present and intentional with both yourself and the relationships with those around you. I will guide you through deep healing and transformation with soul work to complete between our sessions to help maximize results.

We work together to help you break through the suffocating cycles and patterns that hold you back from the life you envision.

And remember friends,

You Matter!